Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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