He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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