What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
