I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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