Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
