I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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