i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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