I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
