the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
