Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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