He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
