If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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