What did we do last night that was yellow?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Randomize
