I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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