Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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