I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
