tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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