just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
