I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
