You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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