I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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