here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
