...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
