My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize