So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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