Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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