She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
even my farts smell like vagina
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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