I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
