in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize