They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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