Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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