this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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