I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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