Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
