I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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