Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
We were destined to go to rehab together
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.