tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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