Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Don't tell me you're on acid again