I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.