Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
