Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
be right there i have to get my cape
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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