I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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