i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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