I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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