Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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