i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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