Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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