i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
