she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
