So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
