mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
