I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am available for nakedness
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
