I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
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My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
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I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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