a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
