How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
