The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
