I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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