life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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