It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
